As Dumb as a Cup of Rocks.

Before I began my downward spiral, I was just a normal idiot. I really loved smoking pot even though it made me paranoid and sometimes caused temporary-ish psychosis.

I was with my best friend, we’ll call her Asshole for the purpose of keeping her identity a secret. I was stoned, and 15, and I thought it a great idea to fill up a Burger King cup with medium to large sized rocks. We’ll get to why in a minute.

An acquaintance we’ll call… Dip shit, had just broken up with some douche-y fuck (As most teenaged boys are, I’d assume.)

Said Douche was on the other side of the burger king by the intersection. As we went to leave I revealed my plan to Asshole, which, ingenious I must say. Said plan was to drive past Douche and throw a fuckton of rocks at him for breaking up with Dipshit. I didn’t actually give two fucks about Dipshit, but I was really liking the idea of hitting Douche with a cup full of rocks.

So I leaned out the window, screamed obscenities as we drove up, (Like all tough people who yell things as they drive past, I did not stop.) And I threw the cup of rocks. It got even better when Douche’s friend, Douche no. 2, was coming up and also got hit with a bunch of fucking rocks.

I’m a super tough badass so I stayed inside the car, afraid I might hurt them if I got out. I was polite enough to look out for their well-being that way, so I was surprised when a hail storm of rocks came flying into the car. Asshole was smart, like Einstein genius type smart, so she never moved from the spot at the intersection, allowing Douche and Douche II to exact their revenge.’

Asshole was laughing really maniacally as rocks flew into the car, like a fucking ton of rocks. She was closest to the victims of my rock-apocalypse and therefore got most of the returning rocks. Her maniacal laughter continued even ass they were hitting her in the face and teeth, and she just kept sitting there, laughing and not moving the car, while they returned fire.

Our situation was bleak considering we had no ammo but some bongos and other useless items including a top hat and trash. When she finally decided to start driving. Dipshit was upset because she was sure Douche would never get back together with her now that I’d assaulted him with rocks for her sake. (or so she thought, but once again I just kind of wanted an excuse to execute my brilliant, super stoned plan. HAHA! GET IT? STONED PLAN!)

So we begin to move forward finally and I look at the back window. I thought, “How odd! They threw water on your window? Where did they get water?”

Well, actually I guess when you’re high enough shatter proof glass when it breaks looks like it’s covered in water.

Asshole quickly stopped laughing, and became so filled with rage that she cut off about six lanes of traffic to turn around. There was a ton of honking and screeching non-sense, but I guess some people don’t understand how vital it is that you run someone over who has pissed you off.

Really, what kind of an asshole throws rocks at someone like that? So she raced back to the parking lot trying to run them over, screaming a lot of words I couldn’t quite catch because she sounded like a fucking banshee (Someone may very well have died under the wheels of that car had she gotten the chance, so a Banshee scream was fitting.) I did catch a lot of FUCKERS! FUCKING COCKSUCKERS!

I was somewhat frightened she might actually run one of them over, then I would have to explain to the police later that she ran over the kid in a blind rage because he broke her window with rocks, after I had assaulted them with rocks.

Lucky for Douche and Douche II their friend was there in a car to pick them up and drive them away from the death machine Asshole’s SUV was about to become. Everyone in the vehicle said the guy driving was a white supremacist, so it would be a bad idea to follow him. I still am unsure of how they identified him or her as a white supremacist considering you could barely see the kind of car it was as it took off, let alone figure out that this person was a Fascist who agreed with the idea of Eugenics, but I was outnumbered because it seemed to be they were positive of this.

Luckily, asshole didn’t blame me, for being a fucking moron and throwing a cup of rocks at someone I’d just met within the last few hours.

Lesson being: Don’t befriend someone who’s a goddamn retard and you won’t get hit in the face with a bunch of rocks, and your window won’t get busted out either.